dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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