as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
