Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
