apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize