he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
