At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pop tarts are not kleenex
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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