The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
