Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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