mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
