Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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