Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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