i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
