so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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