Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
3pm strippers are depressing
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
