I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
