woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
