I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
