it was like eating out sand paper
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
