my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
