Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
PANTIES FOUND
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