i would punch a child for taco bell
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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