the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
