Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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