Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
