That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
