in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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