i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
