someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
