I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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