we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
