dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
