My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
