so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
