She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
