I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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