R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
