hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
