I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
