I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
