what day is it and did you see me today?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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