I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
