well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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