I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize