you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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