please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
