Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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