i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
