Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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