btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
