***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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