I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
