I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
