god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
