I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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