i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
