you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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