Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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