Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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