hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my sisters under your porch take her home
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
