FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
