I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
