Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
